January 2009

During the last decade, Dr. James Pennebaker of the University of Texas conducted research to examining the role of story writing to help heal trauma. In these studies, he asked people to write about painful experiences, inviting them to go into detail about the most difficult, painful and traumatic experiences of their lives. Some of their stories were related to traumas resulting from events in the outside world—natural disasters, car accidents, rape, or war, but others had to do with trauma or abuse at home—physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, alcoholism, and mental illness. These kinds of traumas were inflicted within a safe place and within the fabric of family and friends. That kind of injury is all the more insidious because the victims, particularly when they are children, don’t realize that what is happening is wrong. It is simply the way the family acts. It’s the way things are.

Whether a trauma occurs at home or out in the world, it has a lasting effect on the body and psyche—the body stores these memories as well as the mind. Various therapies help to heal the body/mind wounds. Sometimes hidden wounds lead to a destructive repeating of the trauma, called “repetition compulsion.”

According to Judith Herman, author of Trauma and Recovery, “Traumatized people feel and act as though their nervous systems have been disconnected from the present.” The effects of trauma follow a person throughout life, causing problems such as a strong startle reaction, sensitivity to loud noises, fears, phobias, nightmares, and depression.

Research has been done on the physiology and chemistry of the brain in relation to trauma and emotion. Traumatic memories are stored differently from regular memories. People who have been traumatized may have recurring dreams or tell or write a story repetitively, as if a phonograph needle is stuck in the groove of the trauma.

The path of emotional healing is like cleaning out an old wound: it hurts while we do it out but we feel much better afterward.

1. Make a list of the darker memories that trouble you from time to time.

2. Write down the age you were when these difficult times happened.

3. Write down what you did to cope with the event at the time.

4. How do you feel now about the incident? What would you have liked to happen differently?

5. Write about yourself in the situation in third person or fictionalize the story.

6. Write about the best possible future you can imagine. Write in the present tense.

You can heal trauma and live a fuller and freer life. Writing your stories is an opportunity to put the old ghosts to rest. Approach certain memories indirectly rather than confront them head on. It is important to write about happiness and a positive future self. The brain is healed by positive images. In order to feel better, you may not have to write the dark stories at all.

A story has a focus and takes place at a particular place and time. A story offers you structure, which you helps protect you from being overwhelmed by pages and pages of unstructured writing. Take good care of yourself. Protect yourself from feeling overwhelmed. After writing, reward yourself by doing something nice. Pat yourself on the back for your courage.

A trauma is resolved if you are no longer troubled by it and your life is relatively free of a negative reaction to the event. Resolution means your life isn’t circumscribed by your fears and you’re not as disturbed when you remember the traumatic event. The traumatic event is remembered but without a hot emotional reaction. It becomes an event, only one part of the ongoing, growing story of your life.

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My daughter puts her arms around me, her brown eyes soft and beckoning. Her rounded belly and motherly curves rest against me, and for a moment I choke up. She is pregnant with a girl baby whose middle name will be Joy like mine. She will be my first grand-daughter, and my second grandchild.

I was named Joy by my great-grandmother, Blanche, the mother of my grandmother Lulu, who spent much of her childhood living with Blanche’s mother. When Lulu was a young woman, she who abandoned her daughter Josephine. Josephine abandoned me when I was four years old, leaving me with her mother. What a heritage!

When I look at my daughter, I see the images of my foremothers in my mind—my beautiful but insensitive mother, my intelligent, breaking-the-rules grandmother. I remember their terrible fights and broken dishes that went flying when my mother came to visit, and I see my grandmother’s deathbed, where there was no forgiveness between them. I remember how my mother didn’t want anyone to know she had a child—me—and  how hard I tried to win her love until she died.

I was able to break the chains of abandonment, but I carry within me the memories of these passionate but disturbed women whose blood and bone I’m a part of. I am the last remaining witness to know and remember this heritage. My daughter and I  are the first mother-daughter generation to hug, kiss, talk over our disagreements, apologize, forgive, and have a loving relationship. For this I give thanks every day.

My grandmother and mother didn’t want grandchildren. My children were not welcomed, and my mother made it clear the few times she saw my children, they were to keep their identity a secret too. Her passing on the poison to my children woke me up to how cruel and heartless she was. Over the years, I had adjusted to her rejection of me, but when I saw her teach my children not to call her grandmother, and to lie to the people at her apartment about their identity, I snapped. After that, I gave up on forcing my mother to love or accept me or my children. I saw that she never would.

That was another pattern. When my grandmother received the telegram announcing my birth, she threw it aside saying, “So, the brat is born.” Later, she took me in and raised me, but the feeling that I was living on the very edge of societal and familial rejection settled deep into my bones.

My story is only one such story about the topic of mother-child abandonment. There are many thousands of such stories in the world, people who were abandoned as children. On my book tour for Don’t Call Me Mother—Breaking the Chain of Mother-Daughter Abandonment, people listen with tears in their eyes as I read about the loss and loneliness that I felt as a child, and they cheer me on as I read how I fought to find myself and create a better life. When they come to me afterward to tell me how I have told a part of their story, I understand the tears are for their own childhood losses that are being healed by hearing another’s story. It is gratifying to see that sharing the painful parts of my life gives others hope about creating lives of meaning and joy despite deep early wounds.

If you recognize your story in mine, here are some suggestions for your own healing:

Healing Abandonment

1.      Remind yourself of these things:

a.       It was not your fault

b.      You were not a bad child

c.       Your mother may not have realized how deeply this affected you

d.      You deserve love

2.      Create joy and beauty in your life now.

a.       Gather supportive friends and loved ones around you

b.      Feed yourself good food, and treat your body well

c.       Give yourself birthday parties and moments of celebration

d.      Create your own family, whether it is your own children or friends whom you adopt as your new family

e.       Appreciate each day as it unfolds

3.      Find the help you need to heal your wounds

a.       Find a therapist who believes that the past affects the present and can help you work through it

b.      Write your story—from your point of view all the way through

c.       Illustrate your story with family photos

d.      After you write your story, write the story of your mother’s life. Research her life as best you can. Illustrate it with photos.

4.      Use visualization, meditation, and prayer to get in touch with the life you want to live, and the blessings of your life

a.       Meditate in quiet surroundings each day for at least 10 minutes

b.      Read books that inspire you to love and accept yourself

c.       Share with others your healing story

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